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Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Itās all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he āwas GOING to doā
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: Itās a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: Itās too early in the day to hate you this much.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well thatās a little condescending.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Donāt judge me because it said āfamily sizeā and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: Iām looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: Thatās my specialty.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Canāt wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
you just know somebodyās being called by their full name right now
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.