Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut