Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Knock Knock
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no