Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Cause of death: Zumba
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.