This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex