Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
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Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Wise advice
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
bias laundering edition
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.