*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children