i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
This made me smile…
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019