[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
this is funnier than any friends episode
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror