I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
And that about sums it up.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.