I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
You Might Also Like
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Wikigenius
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend: