*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money