You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.