Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE