Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
May never get over this