My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
You Might Also Like
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.