My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Have kids, they said
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me