Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
me, after any kind of buffet.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?