In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now