“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
You Might Also Like
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.