This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
doing your own taxes
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum