“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.