last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.