I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
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“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.