Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭