Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
That’s enough internet for the day
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES