My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.