I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
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Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Just how popey was the pope today?