Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You Might Also Like
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS