Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
i love modern commerce
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Nice try, NASA
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I need to update my racial profile.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.