me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
You Might Also Like
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry