“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
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*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes