When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Pizza is an emotion right?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.