Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
It鈥檚 amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn鈥檛 get them off before leaving the store.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It鈥檚 quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it鈥檚 the thought that counts…
so my mum bought a lamb for 拢20 so it doesn鈥檛 get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I鈥檓 surprised but it鈥檚 very her
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Betrayal only comes from someone we鈥檙e close to. Just like herpes.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 馃槈
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.