Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
You Might Also Like
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Bring back the McRib
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird