[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
spicy snake
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.