when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Wise advice
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.