[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.