my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
This guy’s not having it 😆
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night