Spa day..😅
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Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I forgot how to panic. Help
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If poetry is dead, then explain this: