[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows