*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago