Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.