The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
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You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
All generalizations are stupid.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“You’d better run, egg!”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob