Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
You Might Also Like
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.