Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
You Might Also Like
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*