If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??