My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Wise advice
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.