WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I feel it
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
He’s cranky this morning
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
dude it’s called proctologist
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.