Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.